Love Against Hate
Excerpt from a chapter called Love Against Hate of Arthur Thormann’s book Thoughts in a Maze
Both love and hate are four-letter words, but love has many different meanings — even a dictionary comparison between love and love-related words will tell us that. Let us take a look at some definitions for love in the Canadian Oxford Dictionary:
1. An intensive feeling of deep affection or fondness for a person or thing; great liking.
2. Sexual passion.
3. Sexual relations.
Of course, as with many other definitions, these definitions do not tell us everything about love. For example, describe for yourself your different feelings of love for your wife or husband, for your father or mother, for your brother or sister, for your uncle or aunt, for your cousins, for your teachers, for your employers, for your dog or cat, for your neighbors, for your friends or foes, for yourself, for your car or bicycle, for your trips to the beaches or mountains, and so on. Do all of these different feelings of love fit one or more of the above definitions? Of course not! After this comparison, it must be obvious that love covers a much larger range of feelings than is given by these definitions, and this may create some confusion.
Suppose we take the Bible instruction, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Lev 19:18); what, exactly, does it mean? Not only do we have a wide range of intensity for love, but we also have the questionable feeling for self-love. Some folks may not love themselves at all. So, the instruction to love their neighbors may not mean much.
Another instruction from the Bible, “Love ye your enemies …” (Lk 6:35), is also hard to define. If you take the various different feelings above that you had described for yourself, which of these feelings, if any, would fit the love feeling you have for your enemies? Suppose someone broke into your house and did great harm to your family and your possessions, what would be your feeling towards that person? If that feeling is love, how does that love compare to the feelings of love you were comparing above? Perhaps, the answer to these questions was provided to us by Jesus, after he was crucified on Calvary: “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. …” (Lk 23:34) This tells us that Jesus must have truly loved his enemies.
However, assuming that your enemy hates you, there may be a way of converting him through love. I have had such an experience. Some time back, I gave regular reports to a group, and one group member found fault with everything I reported — not just fault, but he was outright mean about it and to me. His criticism was so unreasonable that it led me to the conclusion that he was my enemy. At about the same time, I was reading a book by Karl Menninger, M.D., called Love against Hate, and I decided to put Mr. Menninger’s advice to the test.
Every time the group met, I made sure I sat across the table from my “enemy.” I shall call him “B” for his protection. I looked at B and sent a silent message: B, I love you. The message was not meaningless; I put some genuine feeling into it. Every time he voiced scathing criticism of my work, I sent the same silent message: B, I love you! I repeated this at several meetings, and, after a while, his criticism abated. Not only did he refrain from unreasonable criticism, but also, soon, he praised some of my work. Whenever I meet him now, which is not often, he greets me like a long-lost brother.
This love-against-hate experience was truly amazing: It not only tells us something important about love, but it also tells us something important about feeling and/or thought transmission. I am sure that you can recall experiences of meeting some person whom you either liked or disliked immediately. What feelings or thoughts are being transmitted at that moment? Can you reverse these feelings or thoughts consciously, and, thereby reverse your opinion about the person? It is worth a try, since your initial impression may have been based on some personal prejudice.
Another question involving love concerns our motive for marriage. One should think that true love implies enough trust to make marriage redundant. However, since marriage is still very popular, one is led to wonder about the concepts of true love and trust. Is it possible that people want to get married because deep down they do not trust each other to sustain their present love? In other words, is love not as blind as it should be when we press for marriage? Is there some distrust, some hate, involved? I would hate for him/her to leave me, so, why not tie him/her in marriage? But John told us: “He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” (1 Jn 4:18)
Well, enemies, bad neighbors, or unloving spouses, it is hard to love any of them in the biblical sense. Nevertheless, whoever can accomplish it is better off for it. Love definitely causes different juices to flow in our bodies than hate. I would not be at all surprised to find out how many sicknesses can be traced to feelings of hate; conversely, I would not be at all surprised to find out how many sicknesses were healed by feelings of love. However, those who find themselves unable to love should, at least, try to neutralize their feelings of hate.
